THREE - GROWING PAINS

Time flies, aeroplanes crash - our young 'erbert under the spotlight was growing up fast.  At one year Nobby got his first tooth, sported a mop of thick black hair and had a disturbing trait to neglect all his toys and be quite happy chasing a paper ball all over the lime green and chocolate oil cloth found covering the living room floor of Nobson Towers.  At two he reluctantly abandoned the breast, weighed a good 2 stone 3 pounds and was a keen daily devourer of 3 bottles of Bisto Gravy, 7 jars of Clapps Chicken Flavoured Baby Food and 1 bowl of Nesco Ice Cream.  He still had an obsession with all things round and knocked lumps out of his dad's now balding head when he found him snoozing after a good old fashioned Sunday dinner.   When Nobby's third birthday came he was referred to as a 'Bonny Lad', he used to love sucking on an uncooked lump of Chiver's Jelly and was seen roaming around the house, usually clad in a Mr Ed T-Shirt, a pair of Pinky and Perky shorts (no reference to his testicles intended) and a pair of blue, hand knitted booties.  His hair had grown at a rate of knots, his mum Hilda attempted to take up the role of in-house, budget barber and used the trifle bowl to shape the hirsute barnet - alas Nobby looked like a right twat!

On the day of Nobby's 3rd birthday, on the 4th of May 1964, a small family gathering had been arranged to celebrate the occasion.  Nobby's one-eyed Uncle George came and gave Nobby a toy tool kit, Auntie Edna and her hunchback husband brought a toy truck with building blocks and their introverted son kindly left his bedroom for the first time in 6 months and donated a King Kong colouring book with wax crayons.  Alas Nobby had no grandparents as they were killed in the 2nd World War.  Mum's parents were blown to bits whilst purchasing some Saturday night fish and chips at Greasy Lens in Wycombe and his Dad's entire family disappeared within deepest Borneo whilst on an expedition looking for the mythical 3 Nutted Wildman.

On the day under the dubious spotlight, the proud parents made a Bird's Trifle but the candles placed in the creamy topping sank without trace as the consistency was more akin to dishwater rather than something thick and edible.  William did manage to fish out one candle with his delving arse-scratching fingers but was given a dig in the ribs and a stern look and abandoned the other 2 waxy structures with a sheepish smile.  The damaged delicacy was served, 'Happy Birthday' rung out as the radio was lowered and 'Don't Throw Your Love Away' by The Searchers was posted into the background.  Now it was time for the present from Mum and Dad.  Nobby sat all agog, the occasion was getting overwhelming but the nerve held and his chubby fingers reached out for the proffered prezzie.  Receiving with wide-eyed anticipation and primitive understanding his chubby digits went to rapid work and the papery flesh of the neatly wrapped package was torn asunder.  It may come as no surprise to all reading this that the contents of the parcel was a Cudley Tigers baby football kit (complete with green flashed boots) and a deflated leather football that only needed inflating to bring weeks of chaos and a life of great joy.  Within minutes of opening his present Nobby was stripped bare and duly dressed in his kit, Dad went to his shed and beneath his home brew manuals and the odd, rather questionable magazine, found his bicycle pump.   The ball was engorged with air and given to our young budding sports star.  Carefully forced into a pose with hands on hips and one foot on the ball, photographs were taken.  When the mini-photo shoot was done mum picked up the ball and held it out for Nobby to hoof.  The plea to perform was understood, Nobby advanced and swung a chubby shank, the ball stayed untouched, but Mrs Nobson's left knocker didn't half take a belting and the merry air suddenly took on a more sombre tone.

The party ended with obscenities flying, a tanned arse for our tit-kicking 'erbert and a falling out between the relatives.   As a result of this accident Mrs Nobson had to have her left nipple removed 2 years later, the operation took place 2 weeks before Nobby started school - now that was an interesting time to say the least.