FIVE - INTO THE THICK OF IT

The first couple of terms of Nobby's institutionalised educational procedure were, in the main, pointless and soul destroying although some misdirected noodles who had had the cerebral stuffing knocked out of them already may have deemed them as 'character building'. Sucking on the sour sap of schooling was a tiresome and, at times, horrific regime that left our central character somewhat 'fed up'.  The morning prayers led by the sickly Reverend Ennui, the laborious mathematics lessons taught by the tightly tucked in and pertinently proper Miss Tweed, the reading lessons with the soporific Mr Tome and the history and geography affairs thrown in by the unorthodox and sweating Mr Fawkes all confounded many underdeveloped heads whilst all the while, separating the willing wheat from the mentally challenged chaff.  To add to the torment the mornings were broken by a playtime break and a bottle of puke inducing milk, the middle of the day saw a variation on a single shitty theme as savoury slop followed by sweetened slop was served via fat-handed and intolerant dinner ladies.  The afternoon saw another break that one usually used to avoid the stalking presence of the school bully 'Knuckles O'Reilly' and his two cohorts, Shit's Magoo and Pimpled Pete. 

At all times, during these arduous days, the headmaster roamed at will, a large sweating globule of a man with a fiery face and temper to match.  Many a skull had felt the ire of the clenched fist, many a backside had been warmed by the open palm, many a hand had been frazzled by the swishing and correcting cane.  Mr Spleen took no nonsense and no prisoners - it was a cruel icing on a somewhat crappy cake of circumstance that Nobby found himself forced to eat over and over again.

Despite the dread, the prolonged agony and the clock-hindering monotony, a salvation was always glinting from around the corner, a ray of hope was always held onto by those fortunate enough to be physically adept and willing to embrace the great outdoors.  The P.E. lessons saved many a soul from certain insanity and twice weekly, Nobby and his classmates, were allowed to burn up the tension, blow away the cobwebs and mentally run riot.  The girls were taken by the nimble and upright Miss Plush and rotated through a routine of gymnastics, stretching, free-movement, ballet, netball and hockey whilst the boys were led by Mr Liddell and put through their paces via football, football, football, cross-country (because the local authorities insisted) and more football.  You see, Mr Liddell was a fan of the great British game, he fancied himself as a real star of the hoofing sport and as he always said, 'if it wasn't for the war - who knows'.  Despite not making a career out of the game teaching was a way to live out his dream and an opportunity to contribute to the next generation of footballing greats.  In ten years however Mr Liddell had only uncovered one half decent player whose career ended after an incident in a car park with a kinky referee and a roll of Sellotape.  One promising goalkeeper had been found and went on to play in the first round of the FA Cup before packing the game up and opening a brothel in Batley.  Mr Liddell’s eye though was not dulled, it was still as keen as ever and with the latest batch of new-starters getting into their stride he had his peepers on one or two possibilities - one of these, you may not be surprised to hear was Nobby Nobson of JR1. 

It was during the introductory lesson back in early September that Mr Liddell remembered seeing Nobby for the first time, that thick cut basin mop, the wide eyed innocence and somewhat robust carcass looked odd to say the least and whilst setting up the class of 28 into 4 teams of 7 he decided to make Nobby vice-captain of the side he designated as Wincheston Reds.  The other teams in this opening trial were named after other local sides namely Cudley Tigers, Farmley Dons and Crikeshire Utd.  Nobby was elated by his important role, miffed by the fact he wasn't the leader of the Cudley Tigers but, after 3 games he had bigger things on his little mind and had got his first taste of the highs and lows of football.  All will be revealed in the next instalment folks where I hope to keep your ball of intrigue inflated!  Stay pitchside people!